Umm, like.. A Nervous Wreck

Public speaking is something I am very familiar with. I grew up listening to the best public speaker ever: my mom. Being that my mom was a teacher and now a principal, she always stressed the importance of speaking well publicly. I began my public speaking in church. Because I was the president of the youth department, I was always required to do some sort of speaking at events and usually I was aware I would be speaking on the day of. However, my skills were not always that great. I became used to improvising so much, I never really took the time to prepare my speeches until      I got to high school and everything changed.

In high school, I always thought to myself that I don't need to do any preparations because I could do it off the top of my head, and while that was true, it was not always delivered well. My teachers have always told me that I speak well but they could tell I did not prepare and develop as much as I could have. Also, they have told me that I seem very comfortable in front of people, but nervousness overwhelms that feeling. Being nervous is something I have yet to overcome, especially in public speaking.  It became so bad, that I let it affect my confidence and as a result, earn unpleasant speaking grade. Most times when I know I have to speak in pubic, I do not feel nervous until the day of, which is normal but it becomes detrimental to myself and my audience. I experienced this a lot last year in high school. My AP Language class was based off rhetoric as well and my teacher assigned us three end of the year speeches. It was during those speeches that I realized, if improvising was not working now, it would not work in college. By my third speech, I had taken the time to practice and prepare myself, which resulted in a grade I was happy with.

One thing I still need to work on are on my non-verbals and the use of verbal fillers. I tend to resort to saying the words "umm" and "like" when I am thinking of what to say next. My mom always told me that saying "like" decreases your credibility, because it shows you are not sure of what you are saying. If something is this, then say what it is and not what it is like. Saying the word "umm" is also a habit of mine. I have to remember that it is okay to take a pause when speaking and think before I speak, instead of saying "umm".

Although public speaking is not a terrifying fear for me, it is still something I will have to master, especially with my intended career. With the upcoming TED Talk, I hope to improve my speaking skills and not hesitate to say what I mean.

Internal Destruction

As The Circle goes on to explain Mae's life at the Circle and the progress it is making towards completion, we see that Mae is like a ticking time bomb: she will eventually explode. We see that Mae's mind is deteriorating from the inside-out due to all of the Circle's interests in transparency. This is evident in her presentation of SoulSearch.

The presentation of SoulSearch was Mae's first presentation. Although she expected to have a great, unexpected turn out, the presentation was in fact unexpected but not so much great. The purpose of SoulSearch is obvious in its' title; it is a tool that is used to find anyone through facial recognition and the help of millions of viewers who are willing to help with the search. Mae successfully tested out the tool so find a fugitive, but the next person she tested was not so successful. Her second soul being searched as Mercer. Previously, Mercer had sent a letter to Mae stating that he was going off the grid to be hidden from the Circle and it's tools to find people. Mae took advantage of her presentation and decided she would find Mercer with the use of SoulSearch. In doing so, Mae bluntly disrespected Mercer's wishes to not be found. She displayed a narcissistic attitude being that she was only focused on looking good in front of the Circle family. However, along with wanting to look good, she wanted to seek revenge on Mercer for his comments on the Circles' actions, forgetting that this could have a huge effect on Mercer.

It is evident that the Circle has completely taken over Mae's mind and not for her own good. Throughout the presentation, Mae eventually found Mercer despite his attempts to disappear, but she did not receive the reaction she thought she would get. Mercer was furious and outraged by Mae's actions. She had disregarded any advice he had given. Some of which included "Please tell her she should cease her participation in that experiment, which I assure you and her will end badly" (Eggers 434) in reference to Annie's PastPerfect project and "We are not meant to know everything" (Eggers 434). It seemed as though Mae had no intention of reevaluating her actions and, at the least, taking to moment to think, "what if Mercer is right"? After realizing Mercer was not the least bit interested in anything Mae was doing, Mae, along with hundreds of other viewers, continued to harass Mercer into giving up and "surrendering". Mae was blinded by the positive reactions of her viewers to see that Mercer was in the process of committing absurd behaviors, resulting in his death.

The result of Mae's actions was the death of someone who, even though she refused to admit, she still cared about. Often times we get entwined with our wants and desires that we forget the impact it can have on others. Mae's internal destruction was a direct effect of her work at the Circle and to heighten the severity of it, this destruction has not yet been completed.

All Eyes on You

Following Mae's kayaking incident, Eamon Bailey decided to make it an example of why SeeChange is such a great idea. Eamon discussed with Mae how she would share her experience with kayaking and the consequences she faced from poor judgement. In front of almost all circlers, Mae developed three phrases that would follow her all throughout her career at the circle: Secrets are lies, privacy is theft, and sharing is caring. It was during this presentation that Mae's transparency was inevitable and she was not given the option to express her true feelings towards it.

Mae was now expected to wear the SeeChange device every day, all day until 10pm; where SeeChange was optional. She was one of two people that participated in SeeChange at the circle. People from all around the world would now she what Mae did everyday. They would see what she ate, where she went, and who she spoke to. Essentially, everything that was in Mae's vision was now visual to anyone who who wanted to see. I think transparency at a whole is depriving of one's own right to privacy. With SeeChange, a person is not given the right to do anything they desire to do privately. Privacy is a part of being human. A person's life is not meant to be shared with everyone; it is a privilege that needs to be earned. In the story, Mae says that "She relished being where she was, visible like this, a conduit like this, a guide to her watchers, but this responsibility, this unnecessary intrigue, it crippled her" (Eggers 326). With SeeChange comes a great deal of responsibility that can eventually become too overwhelming. At this moment for Mae, after she had received a message from Kalden, it became so overwhelming that she had no idea what to do. The responsibility of always worrying about people other than herself took a toll on how Mae lived he life.

Going transparent was virtually destroying Mae from the inside out. A person is supposed to live their  life without worrying about being judged or questioned. In today's society, people who are afraid of being judged do things they do not want to do or do not do things they enjoy. For example, Mae had "..done without things she didn't want to want. Things she didn't need. She'd given up up soda, energy drinks, processed foods" (Eggers 331). Although the things Mae had given up may not have been good for her heath wise, if she enjoyed them, then she should not let what other people think affect how she lives. Transparency gives people an even bigger opportunity to be judgmental towards one another. The irony in that is that people are using SeeChange as another set of eyes but also as a means of getting to know somebody. However, that can't occur if the person is not being true to who they are. One of my favorite quotes is "let whoever think what ever, just keep getting better" - Anonymous.

A personal life and a work life are meant to be separate from each other. Often times when the two get mixed up, complications arise. Transparency for Mae will, in the end, destroy her.

Back to Reality

As The Circle continues, Mae receives a strongly worded speech by her ex Mercer. Mercer brings to Mae's attention, a second time, how the Circle has essentially taken over her life. Mercer notices a drastic change in the way associates herself with people face-to-face and not over a laptop screen. Mae takes her a job a little too seriously.

The occasion of the speech was supposed to be the celebration on how much the health of Mae's father has improved. Instead, it turned out to be an intended eye-opener for Mae. Mae, slightly disoriented by several glasses of wine, acknowledged how beautiful the artwork Mercer made and decided to share it with the rest of her Circle community. She engaged herself so much in the comments received by the post that she could not even focus on having dinner with her parents and Mercer. Her mother was unappreciative of her actions at the table; ".. I just don't understand why you do that now. We're trying to enjoy a nice dinner" (Eggers 259). Mercer asked Mae several times to stop discussing the fame his artwork gained in just a couple of mins, however, Mae refused; she was not mentally hearing what Mercer was telling her to do. Mercer reacted by leaving the table and starting to go home.

The conversation held by Mercer and Mae was similar to one having a conversation with a brick wall. Mae experienced difficulty understanding how her connections with the Circle impaired her social skills. Mercer goes on to tell Mae, "you're not very interesting anymore" (Eggers 262). Mae gets so caught up in the world of social media that she is blinded by the fact that some people may not want to hear about it all the time. As a result, it is valid for people to assume that she does not know what is real and what is stimulated. Life consists of various social interactions between one another. It is essential that one is able to communicate socially in person and not just on social media. Mae demonstrates the idea that social media can negatively impact a persons' ability to be social; she "becomes utterly socially autistic" (Eggers 262).  Mercer also says 'The weird paradox is that you think you're at the center of things, and that makes your opinions more valuable, but you yourself are becoming less vibrant" (Eggers 262). It is great that someones' opinions can be valued so much, but what is that person like in person? People are more interested in the personality of a person; their beliefs, theirs likes and dislikes. Although all of that can be displayed on social media, it becomes more notable when it is seen in person because of how out of the norm it is.

Today, teens and adults are so conformed to the ideas of social media that it impacts their daily lives at school and at work. It becomes a necessity to know who is doing what, with who, and where. When that information is not available, it is the end of the world - to an extent. Twitter, Snap Chat, Instagram, and Facebook have become so technologically advanced, one can find anything they need to know about a person. They were designed to be so addictive and entertaining that people do not realize the effect is has on them. Also, people can develop problems with identity by trying to fit in with what seems the norm and not doing things for themselves.

The Circle is strongly based on social media. The workers at the Circle are forced be attentive and aware of everything regarding the Circle; they are required to share their thoughts and every day lives with their co-workers. Mae fails to take note of how the Circle may be more harmful to her life than she thinks.

Drawing the line between Private and Intimate

As former high school students and current college students, the idea of a relationship is becoming more apparent and relatable. We go through experiences that teach lessons and open our eyes to things we may not have previously noticed. Privacy and intimacy go hand-in-hand with each other in regards to a relationship. Sometimes people find themselves assuming that with intimacy comes less privacy. In the Circle, there are two significant scenes where Mae is stuck in between intimacy and crossing the line of privacy.

 

The first scene occurred during one of the weekly "Dream Friday" gatherings held at the Circle and usually by Eamon Bailey. That Friday, Gus Khazeni was going to do a new presentation on a piece of technology he called LuvLuv. LuvLuv was a device that allowed to people to essentially set up the perfect date. Gus provided the opportunity for a volunteer to go on stage and demonstrate how the device was used. In order for it to work, the volunteer was to have a special someone they were interested in. Mae and Francis have had a somewhat friendly, somewhat intimate relationship. They were both beginning to share mutual feelings with each other. Francis was the volunteer that afternoon. Francis publicly announced to Gus that Mae Holland, was someone he'd like to date. After Mae's name was given, Gus continued to demonstrate how the device operated. Although Francis thought the act was funny and cute, Mae was upset.  "Mae had first hidden behind her hands, then sunk to the lowest-possible place in her seat.." (Eggers 125). She did not feel it was necessary for Francis to display that type of information. Mae and Francis were beginning to develop an intimate relationship with one another. However, it was not clear to Francis that even though that was the case, privacy was to still be respected. Intimacy does still require privacy. Mae felt the relationship she and Francis had was not to be publicly announced in front a widely respected group of people and if he wanted that information, he could have just asked her (Eggers 124).

The second scene occurred when Mae received a phone call from her mom telling her to come home. Mae's father struggled with multiple sclerosis. He was coming to a point in time where it was starting to greatly affect him. When Mae arrived home, she found Mercer, her ex-boyfriend, there. Her parents had called him over to help with the transition of her dad to the hospital. Mae asked him why he was there (Eggers 127); she was not pleased to see him. Mercer and Mae were involved in an intimate relationship with one another, however, Mae's reaction demonstrated she still deserved some privacy and the situation with her father did not involve him. Just because there was an account of intimacy, does not mean privacy is not to still be given. Mercer was the last person she expected to be there, especially after what she just went through at the Circle. Mae's sharp comments like "Can I hear the answer from my own parents?" (Eggers 128) gave a sense of inappreciativeness.

Intimacy and privacy are two elements of relationships that many have a difficult time drawing the line in between. In the Circle, Mae's experiences demonstrated the lack of privacy that came with intimacy.

The Circle Response #1

   As of May 1, 2016, I was permitted the privilege of calling myself a Penn Stater. I had chosen Penn State to be my home for the next four years. When it came time to move in, Mae and I had similar aspects of our new environments to get used to.

  Penn State at University Park is a huge campus. There are so many buildings, so many people, and so many activities to get involved in. In The Circle by Dave Eggers, the character Mae is faced with the same challenges. She was awarded the opportunity to work at an organization called the Circle. From the description given in the book, the location is much like the campus of Penn State. Both Mae and I are surrounded by people we did not know and a community that was nothing like we were used to. My high school was not nearly as big and beautiful as Penn State and Mae's old job was completely outdone by her job at the Circle.

   Most of the time, when entering a new environment full of people, there will be a welcome committee to get the "newbies" started on their journey. Over the summer, I attended NSO (new student orientation) on campus. The orientation leaders were very helpful in showing us around, where the hangout spots were, the good food places, and what classes to not take. For Mae, on her first day, there were many people who were eager to show her around and help her get accustomed to the Circle. Annie, her sister, showed her the three story library, the glass elevators, and explained to her how the company got started.

   Much like the Circle, Penn State has many traditions that multiple generations are expected to carry out. For example, students are not allowed to mix flavors at the Berkley Creamery and whenever someone yells "WE ARE", we are expected to reply by saying "PENN STATE". At the Circle, there are three fundamentals the each worker is required to carry throughout their work experience; communication, understanding, and clarity. Essentially, Mae and I both have to be open to meeting new people and creating new experiences. Also at the Circle, Mae was given new technology so she could keep up with the rest of the organization. This new technology included a new phone and a new tablet. Much like new technology, here at Penn State I was given new software and websites to complete my assignments and do homework on. All of these traditions and items are necessary to becoming fully acquainted with our new homes.

   Being a Circler and a Penn Stater required both Mae and I to adapt to being a "newbie". Although it may take some time to getting used to, before we know it Mae and I will be saying "I remember when I first came here".

 

 

Stuck In the Middle

You know what sucks? Being stuck in the middle. Being stuck in the middle has to be the most frustrating thing in the world and right now, I am stuck in the middle. I have two options for what my passion blog should be about. Those two options are baking and volleyball.

                         

 Baking was introduced to me at such a young age. My grandmother is the baker of my family. I always sat on a stool next to her while she put together the greatest desserts ever! Ever since, I have always had a huge passion for baking. So much that I began baking on my own. I was the cousin who baked for birthday parties, the girl who sold baked goods in school, and the granddaughter who told herself one day, she would be able to bake as good as her grandmother. I have baked a variety of desserts from cookies, to granola bars, to cupcakes and cakes. Baking allows me to escape from the real world and enter a world of imagination and trial and error. I was thinking about titling this blog "Sweets By Nay". When I retire from my career and open a bakery, that is what I would want to name it. I almost decided to go to a culinary school but I told myself to wait. Baking is something that will always be there for me to do and besides, I'm going to need something to do when I retire!  

   

    
   Now volleyball, on the other hand, is something that I absolutely love doing. I started playing volleyball in sixth grade. My friends and I tried out just for fun not knowing that we were going to make the team. I have been playing volleyball every year since sixth grade. At first I was a bench warmer, until I gradually progressed and won the All Conference Award for Long Island in 2015. Volleyball allows me to display a talent I am proud of and have fun in doing so. What made it even better was that my friends and I continued to play on the same team for six years. There are so many aspects of volleyball that I would love to share in a possible blog entitled "Bump, Set, Spike the Ball." That phrase is a cheer my team used to do before each set to encourage and get us focused. Volleyball is still something I am interested in, even after high school. I am currently participating in open gym and eventually tryouts for Club Volleyball here at Penn State (don't think I'm going to make the team though).

     So what do you guys think ? Let's hope you are not stuck in the middle like me !